


Magical Me

by Frumpologist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, I can't believe Gilderoy Lockart/Gilderoy Lockart was a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:32:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29592855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frumpologist/pseuds/Frumpologist
Summary: Gilderoy appears on late night wizarding telly.
Relationships: Gilderoy Lockhart/Gilderoy Lockhart
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15
Collections: Love Fest 2021





	Magical Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ravenslight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenslight/gifts).



> This was written from a Love Fest 2021 prompt by ravenslight, and her prompt was Gilderoy/Gilderoy "all the lies I told on my resume". My little fic went in a different direction, but I think still keeps the spirit of the prompt. I hope. This was a blast to write and I'm not sorry for having written it at all. XD  
> #LoveFest2021  
> #TeamVenus

A magical camera floats around. It zooms in on a shiny golden button, then back out again until a handsome middle-aged face is perfectly centered in its frame. As the man smiles, a tiny sparkle pings off his teeth, and the director whispers, “action.”

A sharply dressed man, whose mustache bears resemblance to two thick caterpillars, grins at the camera as it spins to film him. The dim lights overhead gradually brighten, revealing a cozy setup that could have been any tiny living room in the UK.

“Good evening, Britain. Thank you for joining us tonight on a special edition of  _ The Life and Times. _ ” Grainy applause fills a beat of silence. “I’m your host, Dickon Skeeter and I’m bringing you the man of Legend, a wizard whose talents have saved the world over, England’s very own Gilderoy Fergus Lockhart.”

Gilderoy lifts a hand—jewels decorating his fingers glint off the lights—and waves it royally. “Cheers, Dickon. Chuffed to be here.”

He pops the button at his stomach and situates himself comfortably in the oversized chair.

“And hello to all of you lovely folks at home,” he continues. The dazzling smile hasn’t left his face. No, this man is entirely in his element. “It’s my distinct pleasure to be here tonight, discussing one of my favorite topics: me.”

More grainy laughter fills the small space. Even Dickon chuckles.

“Right, thanks Gilderoy—may I call you Gilderoy?”

Gilderoy grins. “Oh, I insist!”

“Brilliant.” The camera swivels, panning out to show both Dickon and Gilderoy sharing a lighthearted smile. “We all know the bigger successes you’ve had: the banshees, the vampires, ghouls, werewolves, and hags. You’ve had quite a bit of achievement with magical creatures—”

If there’s ever a way to fake a blush, Gilderoy figures it out the very second the camera zooms onto his face. Looking humble, he glances down at his golden cufflinks. “Credit should go to the creatures, for being so candid and willing to see the errors in their ways.” Audio filled the studio, various sighs and ‘awwws’. “Thank you, thank you. Yes, it’s important to try first to strike a bargain—to find  _ peace _ with them.”

“There aren’t many in our community who would agree with you,” Dickon says as he adjusts his legs. “How do you combat your critics?”

Another gleaming smile takes a full frame of the camera. “Oh, bold of you to assume I  _ do  _ have critics. I’ve found—through all my travels, mind you—that simply speaking to the naysayers changes their minds like that.” Gilderoy snaps his fingers and chuckles. “We’re all the best of mates now; even your sister, Rita. Lovely, lovely witch. Keen eye for fashion, too. She’s helping to market my new shampoo: Gilderoy Lockhart’s Silk & Shine Tonic for Incurable Frizz.”

“You’ve… made shampoo?” Dickon quirks an eyebrow, his tone falling into sceptical. “Is that how your hair is so…” Waving his hand vaguely, he struggles to find the words, which earns another grainy laugh track.

Gilderoy doesn’t let it get him down. He squirms in his seat and grins. “Yeah, I mean, I’m blessed with a traveling assortment of hair and makeup professionals. The average witch or wizard isn’t so fortunate. I’m doing my best to help my fellow wizardkind.”

Silence, and then a clap track.

“Lovely,” Dickon mumbles, and flicks his eyes to the camera. There’s a gleam in his eye as his lips curl over a smirk. “So, magical creatures, hair care products—lovely jubbly. What’s next for everyone’s favorite magical influencer, Gilderoy?”

“I’m so pleased you asked. So very pleased.” His face is cracked in a ridiculous grin, and the camera eats it up. “I’ll be attending the prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”

An “awww” track interrupts his flow.

“Yes, it’s very well matched. What, with my Ravenclaw nature, teaching comes naturally, you know.” Gilderoy claps his hands to his knees, eyes sparkling. “I said to the Headmaster—you know the famed Albus Dumbledore—I’d be more than willing to take up the mantle of Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. He may be very good with children, but I am the master of my craft. Of course Albus agreed. He positively adores me.”

“But Gilderoy,” Dickon gasps, his face becoming severe. Dramatic music wafts through the area as he leans forward conspiratorially. “Isn’t that position rumored to be cursed?”

The camera zooms again, catching a haughty, sly smirk along Gilderoy’s face. “Indeed, that’s the rumor,” he says, leaning to meet his host between their chairs. “However, as I’ve discussed at length with Albus, whatever ails the post, it’s no match for me. I am, after all, one of the most learned wizards in the area of the Dark Arts, and so to those who would have me sacked, I say: bring. it. on.” 

Dickon looses a good-natured laugh, and the imaginary audience follows suit.

“You heard it here, Wizarding Britain. Enemies of Gilderoy Lockhart: beware!” He sits up in his seat and addresses the camera directly. “Thank you for another lovely evening, dear friends. Join us next week when we invite a behind the scenes look at the security or Azkaban Prison with none other than Cornelius Fudge himself! Until next time…”

The screen fades to black. An advertising loop begins to play.

Back in the studio, Gilderoy says his farewells to Dickon Skeeter. Invites him to Diagon Alley for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for book signing, which Dickon politely accepts. Gilderoy is left alone in his changing room, removing his publicity garb for his night time stroll outfit, and tousles his hair.

He catches his reflection. Smiles wide.

“You  _ are _ the most powerful wizard in London,” he reminds himself. “Powerful, single, sexy, and clever. Hogwarts is lucky to have you.”

On the table beside him, a book rests. The next to be published at the end of his first term at Hogwarts.

_ 1,000 Affirmations: Why it’s Important to Remember Your Worth _

It’ll take the Wizarding world by storm, he’s sure.

**Author's Note:**

> idk friends. I just don't know. haha.


End file.
